Recently, I have taken a vastly intense introspective look at myself. Why am I the way I am? I think some of us don’t care to think about this as it can cause painful memories to surface. So out of fear, most of us, probably, don’t beg the question. We dare not tread on unraveled waters. We have suppressed many unpleasant memories as it makes it easier to walk through life, or does it? Certainly, I am guilty of this. I lived in immense fear for so long that I accepted the “residue” of the person that I thought I was. I didn’t know I could change my frame of thought, or as I have adopted from a friend that liked to call it, make a paradigm shift.
With every year that passes, I appreciate and understand positivity more and more. I used to think “negative energy” was some type faux concept that people liked to reference to simply categorize someone. However, as my confidence has grown, I know that “negative energy” is very real. It’s not just about someone’s mood. It has a lot to do with words. The things that are said to a person or even about a person. Some believe they can take back what they’ve said, but, I don’t believe that. I believe when a person says something, it’s exactly how they feel even if, only briefly. You see, as adults, we are all responsible for not only our actions, but, also, our words.
I know when I have said negative things, it was because I honestly felt that way or because I felt negatively about myself. I believe it all starts from within, there’s always a reason for why we say the things we say. Sometimes, it’s the energies in which we surround ourselves — people, music, films, our environment, etc. There are so many forms of negative energy. I try to make a conscious effort to surround myself with positive energy. This is partly why I often spend a lot of days alone. Some might say, being alone is unhealthy, on the contrary, for me, it’s not. It allows me to reflect on the things I need to and devise a plan to make necessary improvements in my life, for there is always room for improvement. I have also learned to always be ready for the unknown because nothing in life is ever certain. I have to just keep pushing past the unexpected. Life is truly what you make it.
I pay close attention to how I speak to myself. How I speak to myself, will become how I perceive myself and ultimately what position in life I end up in. Positivity is so immensely important. I used to think it was silly to speak affirmations to myself or consider myself awesome. However, I am. I am a person that has a lot to offer to the many people that have come into my life. I have been a gift to some people, and I don’t mean that arrogantly, I mean that now because I finally believe what some have told me for a while now. I appreciate that I have been able to be that to some. My challenge now is to be that gift to myself.
Learning to be selfish has been very daunting. Not selfish in the sense of not caring for others, however, deliberately taking care of myself without feeling guilty. Many may think I’m immensely selfish and perhaps, mean as a result. This is the thing about me that so many judge inaccurately. People see an undeniably large stature, confident woman and some probably think, “she thinks she’s the shit” or “who does she think she is?!” or maybe even, “this bitch”. However, what they don’t know, and what many will never know is the pain and struggle I have had to endure and persevere to get here - confidently holding my head high. They don’t know the abuse, the rejection, the sabotage, the betrayal and utter lack of support that I have had in my life. My story was nearly a complete destructive journey.
I have fought insanely hard to maintain my sanity and I am still unlearning some awful examples that were set before me whilst holding on to the virtues that I have absorbed. What I struggle with the most is not understanding what it is about a confident woman that people are so afraid of. Why does strength and confidence, in a woman, make some people immediately think negatively? If I see a strong, confident woman, I am curious to learn more about her. It excites me because there are so few confident and strong women that are AWARE of what they are. It’s so important to find yourself as a woman. It is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Knowing your worth is extremely important to face this world and it took me, what felt like ages, to find mine. Personally, I found mine in myself through my journey to peeling the painful layers away. I hate to be cliche, but, I AM unapologetically me. I don’t know how to be anyone else nor do I want to.
I challenge you to say to yourself right now, “ I AM WORTHY”. Because you simply are. You are because you deserve to be mentally free of all the stigmas and pain that have been placed on you by family, friends, and society. When you see a beautiful woman or a woman that is doing something you admire, compliment her and receive a smile in return. Be charitable, even if only by making someone smile. You don’t know the darkness that some people are living in. Learn not just a sanguine approach towards others, but start with yourself.
Thanks for stopping by,